Client. The Hat
[Synopsis of story: While cleaning out a closet, a woman comes across several items that remind her of an acquaintance.]
Summary evaluation
Clearly, you can write! This story shows many flashes of talent and a writer's mind at work.. You're not just telling a story; you've crafted a tale. I don't know if it's publishable in its current form; it's fairly long—maybe longer than it needs to be, for the story told--and didn't have a huge dramatic impact on me. As I'll explain, I was left with a few questions about what the story really is about and which scenes are supposed to be especially powerful and meaningful.
Specifics
The opening doesn't "grab me." I'd like to see something more powerful about the hat that the narrator/protagonist (Nellie) finds in the closet. The description intrigues me only a little. I didn't understand the first sentence, "It's the hat." What's the hat? On the plus side, you do give the reader something to wonder about—why this hat is so important to the narrator. That would be good to keep.
Later, you ask "where is the dress?" I don't know what dress the narrator is talking about. It sounds like the one in her sister's picture, but that doesn't make a lot of sense. Again, this is intriguing but a little annoying—not having a reference point for the mentions of the hat and dress. It comes out later, but much later. A bit more of a hint about why the dress is special might be useful. The dress isn't even present; Nellie wonders where it is. Her line of thinking appears disjointed. I didn't get a sense of the emotional content that comes out later, when you return to this "frame story."
I do like the segue from spring cleaning to looking around the apartment and noticing things. The comment about "turning into my mother" gives me some idea of the narrator's age, but I don't yet have a very good fix on that or anything else about her.
The change in setting and time to the "scenery" (it's not clear for a while that Nellie is involved in a play, and as an actress in it) and conversation with Darien comes abruptly. The "frame story" with the spring cleaning doesn't seem to relate very well; it isn't clear why she thinks back to this particular time (although, again, it becomes clear later, when the narrator reveals the significance of the hat and dress). The frame story begins to appear irrelevant with so much space devoted to the section with Darien. You don't get to "the dress" until page 10. You might foreshadow that a bit more.
The story strikes me as having too many small "surprises," especially at the beginning. I felt that when Darien mentioned Frankenstein. It took a while for that bit of dialogue to make sense—for the narrator to reveal that said it, and why. You might reveal that sooner. It's not much of a secret and not much in the way of suspense as it is.
The early talks with Darien didn't engage me; I found myself wondering when something would happen. I don't feel a spark between Darien and the narrator, even later. They get into some deep conversations and go shopping together, but I still don't sense much of a connection. You also might add something about how the narrator became involved in the play. You did mention drama students, so this could be something at a college, but it isn't clear until pretty much later that it's high school.
On page 7, Nellie asks herself why Darien is telling her all this. That's a good question! It sounds like he just wants to unload, but why her? I don't get a sense of history with them; if anything, it sounds like they've pretty much ignored each other up until now.
Minor point: At the bottom of page 10, a paragraph begins "The plump, muffin-like disappeared." It looks like you're missing a noun.
The scene on pages 18-19, when Nellie wonders whether her father is lying and her mother and sister really are there, seemed to me to come out of nowhere. I've captured hints of the idea that her life is too boring, but I didn't pick up anything about her father lying about family affairs. He's disconnected from family life, but I don't see him as a liar.
The section on page 19 where Nellie finds out about Darien's accident is puzzling. It isn't clear when the scene occurs; there's no transition from Nellie wondering about her father and her physics test. The "And what next?" didn't signal to me that time was moving forward; I thought Nellie was contemplating the future rather than moving into it.
The move back into the "frame story" works pretty well, but I think the ending could be stronger. I don't know why she's thinking of those other people—Jerry, Nathan, and Michael. The lines that you repeat
"You have to be kidding."
"I'm not. No one could look as good in that getup as you do."
weren't that memorable from earlier in the story and came at me a little out of context; I had to look back to see where they'd been spoken. You might help the reader by providing some context, letting the reader know that Nellie is remembering a scene with Darien.
I'm not convinced that the symbolic flowers from the hat are a strong enough hook to carry Nellie's emotional energy and drive her to search so emphatically in the closet. The hat didn't figure that prominently in her relationship with Darien.
Overall, I didn't find Nellie's relationship with Darien to be so strong that she would become so emotional about it many years later. The dialogue moves kind of slowly. I can sense a relationship developing, but I think it could be done more quickly. The dialogue format also leaves the reader to interpret or guess what's happening in Nellie's mind. I think it might be good for her to comment on her feelings once in a while. I didn't find myself becoming attached very much emotionally to either Nellie or Darien, and I didn't seem them as becoming all that close to each other. To justify the length of the story, the dialogue sections need to be more dramatic. If you don't want to do that, the story could be shortened significantly, condensing some of the conversations.
The interplay of Darien and Nellie concerning their hats seemed to have some subtle meanings, but the subtlety may have escaped me. I saw the exchange as each of them caring about the other and willing to help out, with Darien refusing Nellie's help. Whether that's a character trait you wanted to reveal, I don't know. It's consistent with him giving up his idea of art school to help his mother, but it's not obvious that that was the dynamic. I'm not sure how important art school was to him; the idea of applying himself and pursuing something seemed to be mentioned somewhat casually.
Summary
I think the story would work better in fewer words, with the dialogue centered more closely on what you want readers to know about Darien, Nellie, and their relationship. You might consider letting the reader know what Nellie is thinking as she talks to Darien. The ending appears to draw in extraneous characters, and it isn't entirely clear what Nellie is feeling about Darien and why. The move back to the frame story is pretty well done but could be a little tighter.
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A. J. SOBCZAK is an editor, proofreader, and writer (business writing, business methods, business history, communication, literary analysis, fiction in various genres) with more than 25 years of experience in the publishing industry. He has edited nonfiction work, both articles and books, in a variety of fields, including various social sciences, technical research, and medical research. He has edited dozens of books and journals in the social sciences, research methods, mathematics, political science, psychology, business and management, history, and health and medicine, among other topics, and also has worked on several successful doctoral dissertations. He is an expert in APA and Chicago styles and is on several publishers' lists of "go-to" editors for manuscripts with heavy math content. His fiction specialties include science fiction, fantasy, mystery, and young adult.
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